NEW JOKES!!!! Updated 6-29-2010

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A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."    "Okay" the man says, "I attended church every Sunday"   "That's good, says St. Peter, " that's worth two points"   "Two points?" he says. "Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church"  "Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?"   "Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."   "Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, " he says. "hmmm...," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."   "That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"THREE POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"
"COME ON IN!"

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Did you hear about the guy who was asked to be a Jehovah Witness?
- He refused because he said he hadn't seen the accident.

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Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.  Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide." The men shrugged and rowed on.  By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."    Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."   So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.   Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.

"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"

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A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could.  'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.'  Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.  'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.'    Still no answer to his prayers. Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece. He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.

'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want to see your mother again...'

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After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.   "That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"   "Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.

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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."   The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

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One beautiful Sunday morning, Samuel, a priest, announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands, three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.

"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.

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The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church. "Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan's hand. As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked. "Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!" "I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered. "I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the ever poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."

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